


Lie Back and Think of England

by flammablehat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Fuck Or Die, Humor, M/M, Team Gluttony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 22:25:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flammablehat/pseuds/flammablehat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana has a dastardly plan to get Arthur and Merlin laid!  What a villain!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lie Back and Think of England

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Summerpornathon '12, challenge 2. This was an extra entry that was not submitted for the actual challenge. Fair warning: I am not British and this has not been Brit-picked. Among other anachronisms, I imagine the Arthur of this story is an unusually ill-mannered PM.

Arthur Pendragon, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, took in the assorted grim expressions of his councillors.

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’m afraid we have to consider the threat viable, sir,” Gwen said.

“Because it’s _Morgana_?”

“Because it’s magic.”

Arthur gripped at his hair. He glanced around, caught Merlin tugging at his collar and looking pink. “There has to be another solution.”

Gwen spread her hands, her expression painfully understanding even through the viewing screen. “If you think of anything, let us know.”

~~~

“We’ll detonate in the ocean.”

“No, for several reasons.” Gwaine, the crown’s nuclear weapons expert, ticked off his fingers. “Immediate, permanent pollution of every water source on the planet; ecosystem collapse; potential triggering of ocean floor earthquakes; subsequent potential triggering of tsunamis that would devastate coastal areas; poisoning at least half the world’s food supply—”

“Alright! Fine, not in the ocean.”

~~~

“What about space?”

“We’d avoid thermal radiation and blast impacts.” Gwaine shrugged. “But we’d be closing ourselves into an inescapable, irradiated bubble.”

“Cancer for everyone.”

“Nailed it.” Gwaine winked.

“Fuck.”

~~~

“You don’t really think Morgana can trigger every nuclear weapon on the planet, do you?” Merlin asked after they’d discussed the official comments Arthur would make to the UN the next day.

“I won’t underestimate her dedication to the attempt, that’s for certain,” Arthur sniped.

“But,” Merlin pressed on, weakly. “Don’t you think her conditions are a little. Um. Strange?”

Arthur sighed. “I’m doing everything within my power to keep us from that contingency, Merlin. We still have time.” Then he rang off and got in bed, because he was finished talking about it for one evening.

~~~

“Why can’t we just dismantle every bomb?”

“Not enough time,” Gwen said, rubbing at the dark circles under her eyes. “She could detonate long before we rendered every nuke inactive. Plus, the Americans would never hear of it.”

“How are they handling it, anyway?”

“I believe recent polls showed the population split evenly between confusion and ‘ _massive, self-righteous coronary._ ’”

Arthur snorted.

~~~

Arthur’s viewing screen wavered, then righted itself on a familiar face. “You have,” he slurred, sloshing scotch across her dark hair, “the most incredible nerve.”

“Baby brother,” Morgana smirked. “Getting ready for your big night?”

“What is your damage, even?” Arthur said.

“Boredom and too much wicked creativity.”

“You’re not serious, are you?”

“Dead serious, darling,” Morgana stroked the edge of her screen as if it were his jaw. “Shouldn’t you be courting a certain dark-haired strumpet right now? You have a world to save.”

“ _Fuck._ ”

~~~

He officially lost his shit the night before Doomsday.

He was hurling invective in piss-poor Russian when they tugged him away from his phone.

“If we’re lucky, the President will think you meant to say octopus,” Gwen scolded him.

“His mistress _is_ a hairy octopus,” Arthur muttered, still clutching the remains of his corded handset. Putin was an uncooperative prick anyway. “This is absurd.”

“Just lie back and think of England, mate.” Gwaine grinned. Arthur chucked the handset at his head.

“Merlin,” Gwen said, surprised. The door closed quietly before Arthur looked around. Gwen’s expression shifted from stricken to irate alarmingly fast. He winced.

“Right, apologizing now,” he said.

~~~

Arthur caught up with Merlin in his office. He was tossing personal items into a cardboard box.

“Puts things in perspective,” Merlin said, eyeing a small snow-globe Arthur’d bought him. “Knowing where you rank in preference next to nuclear holocaust.”

“Stop that,” Arthur snapped, nabbing the snow-globe from his hands. “Come with me.”

“Why?” Merlin scowled, resisting the whole way back to Arthur’s with a slight and ineffective lean away from Arthur’s grip. It made for a somewhat ridiculous car ride.

Once inside, Arthur threw the bolt on his front door and shoved Merlin into his bedroom. “Because this isn’t for the rest of the world,” he said firmly, dragging Merlin into a kiss with both hands.

~~~

Arthur had him on his knees shortly after that, fingers tight on the headboard, choppy “Ah!” sounds spilling from his mouth with every vicious thrust.

“God, you really like it, don’t you?” Arthur gasped, flicking sweat out of his eyes.

“Shut—up—Ar—thur,” Merlin grit.

Arthur cupped his flat, white belly with both palms and watched Merlin’s tiny cockslit grasp and flinch as he came. Merlin froze, face all open and surprised with pleasure.

Arthur buried his teeth in Merlin’s neck and hunched through his own orgasm.

~~~

“So. That’s it, then.”

“What is?” Merlin muttered drowsily.

“Last shag before the end of the world.” Arthur shrugged, then pressed Merlin’s head back onto his shoulder when he made to move. “If it means anything, I’m glad it was you.”

Merlin stared for a long, unsettling moment. “But—”

“Please,” Arthur frowned, looking away. “Morgana wouldn’t go to all this trouble just so we’d fuck. She might see it as a bonus, but that’s not her play.”

Another unfortunately long pause followed in which Arthur was forced to fully examine that statement.

“Um. _Well_...”

“Merlin.”

“I might’ve complained you’ve never looked twice at me and she might’ve taken it to heart, is all I’m saying!”

Arthur covered his eyes with his palm. “You can’t be serious.”

~~~

Far, far away, in a palatial yet classy hotel suite, attended to by no less than three pool-boys, Morgana tipped her head back and laughed.


End file.
